Top five signs that she loves her dog more than you
A man’s guide to winning the Fluff Wars!
by Kevin Fisher
We’ve all been there, your relationship is chugging along nicely and then all of a sudden she meets someone new. Suddenly you’ve been replaced! By whom? George Clooney? George Bush? George of the Jungle? Whoever he is he’s a bum! he’s a weasel! He’s a rat! Sadly he’s none of the above. In fact he’s a she (Sacre Bleu) and he’s a dog!
Overnight your drooling, panting and inappropriate scratching has been replaced by… well drooling panting and inappropriate scratching… emanating from a 6 pound ball of fur and frolic named Fluffy!
How can you possibly compete? It’s been many decades since you were described as cute, you are not in the least bit fluffy (in fact you are virtually hairless) and worst of all you resist all of her efforts to dress you up in adorable little outfits and parade you through the town.
In the interests of relationship harmony and progress I offer The top five signs that she loves her dog more than you (and a few suggestions on how you can defend against them) .
Sign #1. The Pick up problem . She’s delighted to watch her new love poop on the sidewalk. She picks up the "leavings" with pride and delight (no matter how runny they are), but ask her to pick up your DRY cleaning and whoa…that’s way too much trouble.
Sign #2. Sleeping Dogs . Now the sleeping arrangements revolve around her new love’s habits and peccadillos. Of course the little fluff-ball prefers to sleep between the two of you (and what the fluff-ball wants the fluff-ball gets). Before you can say "flannel nightgown" you’re victim of the dreaded "Canine Contraceptive" which ensures the end of your sex life, the end of your happiness and of course the end of your lineage. Your counter move? Sleepytime Tonic ! a few drops in the dog’s mouth before bedtime will ensure that sleeping dogs do indeed lie. And while fluffy gets down to some serious snoozy business you can get up to some well deserved monkey business! (if you want to extend the animal metaphors this would be a great time to try doggie style)
Sign #3. Holiday Blues . It’s Christmas morning, she and the dog have already spent an hour opening one anothers gifts. You arise in anticipation of a wonderful morning, skip downstairs with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head. there they are in the middle of the living room floor, she looks up from a 6 foot pile of paper, toys chews and treats and tells you she completely forgot to buy you anything… but here, would you like a nice chewable bone? Before you go ballistic why not try a little Calming Aromatherapy Spritzer . Spray a little on Fluffy (you’ll get big points for helping to make her coat soft and manageable) the essential oil of lavender will help to keep you all calm, mellow and full of the Christmas spirit…well at least you will be if you add several glasses of highly alcoholic egg nog.
Sign #4. How does that make you feel? She suspects that Fluffy has serious mental issues that will take months of therapy to overcome. (while your slavish devotion to the Cleveland Browns goes completely untreated) They can’t be apart for more than a few seconds or risk permanent and irreversible trauma. On the other hand she keeps on forgetting your name, or worse, calling you Fluffy (needless to say not your actual name). My advice? A quick spritz of Shimmering Mist . The finishing spray not only smells marvelous but imparts a memorable hint of glitter to the dogs coat.
Sign#5 Speaking of therapy . The dog gets Reiki massages daily and spends 55 minutes every other week discussing his feelings with a trained professional..topics covered include food, poop, and sleep…in fact they’re the only topics ever discussed. that wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that that seems to be all SHE talks about these days!
In conclusion. If you are the victim of any of these scenarios you have my sympathies. Fluff wars rarely end well (remember the great Maltese conflict of 1695 or the Boxer rebellion of 1899) you really only have two options: either find a new girl or if you’re really smart and want to fight fire with fire (or fluff with fluff) go out and get your own dog! I suggest a nice Bichon, chihuahua or French Poodle, something small and fluffy…well if this relationship doesn’t work out it’s always a good idea to have your very own chick magnet!