Muttrimony; What your dog can teach you about a successful marriage

The other day I found myself mesmerized by an article about a wedding ceremony recently performed in Florida. What made this ceremony so special were the participants;

"Tiffany is an 8-year-old standard poodle and Skipper is a 12-year-old beagle/jack russell mix. On Saturday they will take a break from their therapy dog roles and don a wedding dress and tux before some of their closest friends. Actual vows will be exchanged – doggie style – and a champagne reception complete with “people” and “doggie” wedding cakes and hors d’oeuvres will immediately follow".

But that wasn’t the interesting part, after all, I work in the pet industry so I see a lot of this kind of thing, the paragraph that got me thinking was:

“Skipper ditched his old wife for a younger one with Tiffany,” said Helen Savill, of the Treasure Coast Humane Society.
“The wedding is the second marriage for both.”

I have heard of quite a few dog weddings but this was the first time I’d heard of a doggie divorce. And this got me thinking; with the human divorce rate above 50% what do dogs know that we don’t (I should say in the interests of full disclosure that I am part of the divorced 50%)

Let’s crunch the numbers. Taking an admittedly small sample (me) I have heard of about two dozen doggie weddings over the last five years and in that same time this is the first divorce I’ve encountered. Given a sampling error rate of 5-10 % (I’m wrong about 10% of the time) that still leads us to the the conclusion that up to 90% of all doggie marriages are successful. That’s amazing!

So what can we learn from our canine compadres? I’ve drawn up a list of the ten things dogs can teach us about marriage.

1. Make sure your marriage is arranged, preferably by someone who feeds you regularly and is happy to pick up your poop. It’s a fact of life that anyone who picks up your poop must really have your best interests at heart. (let me also point out here that arranged marriages have been the norm rather than the exception for most of human history)

2. Your partner doesn’t always have to be of the opposite sex.
(Especially if you live in Massachusetts) Remarkable but true! I’ve heard of several same sex doggie weddings that are still going strong years later. Draw your own conclusions here

3. Leg humping is an art form, and like any art form, practice makes perfect.

4. There’s no reason why the wedding should be limited to only two parties. I have heard of several situations where three or more dogs have participated in the festivities (It also spices up the honeymoon no end) Of course these dogs all lived in Utah and are currently evading the law.

5. It’s not the size of the snozzage, it’s the tastiness of the treat…of course no matter how tasty the treat bad breath is inexcusable, especially on the wedding night! A few squirts of Dog Smog Remedy Breath Freshener will prevent this muttrimonial "faux paw"

6. Always dress up for your wedding. Tuxedos and wedding dresses, are a must, however it seems less important that the clothes actually stay on throughout the entire ceremony (I have to say however that for the majority of human weddings long term clothing retention is a definite plus…I for one prefer my relatives clothed) A little spritz of Shimmering Mist is an excellent way to class up even the most dog-eared wedding gown, spray a little on the bride’s "decolletage" for some doggie sparkle.

7. Be loyal

8. Be flexible on rule 7, especially if your being disloyal with someone who has great snacks

9. Don’t take it too seriously. In fact if you feel like going for a pee in the middle of the wedding vows go right ahead, of course your prospective mother in law may have a heart attack. and depending on your relationship with her this could be a good or bad thing.

10. …and please, be responsible, always have have your partner spayed or neutered! (Especially if you catch him with that bitch from down the street!)

These are only the ideas that sprang to my mind. Has your dog taught you any interesting lessons about marriage? Drop us a line and we’ll post the funniest, or most insightful.

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  1. Always greet your mate whenever they return home. Wagging your tail is a great way to show you’re happy. Sniffing each other is a great form of foreplay. So is tug-of-war over a favorite toy. Always present a united front to the world. Never bite when a growl will suffice. Make sure you can understand each others’ body language. It’s always better to play than to fight.

    Only dig a hole big enough to fill with your current “supply” of poop. Never poop where you eat or sleep.

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